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GENDER SMURF

stanley.lieber's picture

 

GENDER SMURF
1967 words by Stanley Lieber

 

"You fucking faggot!" my co-worker cried as he leaped out of his pick-up truck and clapped me on the ear.

I placed my satchel on the picnic table and opened it. We got to work immediately.

 

"There's no point in shutting down the whole group," Piro pointed out.

"Oh, you're absolutely right," I said. "I think we can accomplish more by poisoning the well."

Piro had the black box up and running. Every message posted to the Albert Lunsford group would flow through our illicit kernel module before it even reached the group's database. In this way, we would tamper with reality.

"I used your wife's name for one of my fake logins," Piro remarked.

I popped him in the arm.

"Hey, it was easy to remember."

"Just keep your story straight when you're posting. There aren't many females active on the group; these guys will notice if you get your continuity out of whack."

I pulled up a sample message.

    Date: Sun, 05 Oct 1968 04:44:16 -0000

    To: albert.lunsford@groups.thegreen

    Message-ID:

    In-Reply-To:

    User-Agent: THEGREEN-EW/0.82

    MIME-Version: 1.0

    Content-Type: text/plain; charset="ISO-8859-1"

    Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

    From: "no_such_name"


    Subject: Fifteen Impossible Things to Believe Before Breakfast Or Else You're a Feminist

    Fifteen Impossible Things to Believe Before Breakfast Or Else You're a Feminist

    1. People are inherently good, and therefore communism doesn't work because it postulates that human nature is trustworthy. Similarly, a democratic-republic such as the United States and Territories is superior to communism because it pits people's interests against one another in a system of checks and balances, rather than trusting that humans will, of their own accord, make the right choices. Also, because people are inherently good, ninety-eight out of every one hundred of them end up in Hell.

    2. Women are less equal than men as human beings and therefore should never have been given the right to vote. However, since women have already been given the right to vote, it is a good idea to let them keep it, even though they are messing up the whole world with their bad choices.

    3. Women are clinically insane because psychiatry is bogus medicine, therefore Albert Lunsford is not insane because he has not been diagnosed as such by a psychiatrist.

    4. Only liberal feminists would consider a six-year-old boy to be eligible for political asylum, therefore those who don't consider a six-year-old boy eligible for political asylum are liberal feminists.

    5. Most illness is a result of demonic possession.

    6. Conspiracies in government are unlikely, if not impossible, because the government is so large as to make keeping a secret impossible, and because government employees make less money than private employees.

    7. No Republican would ever accuse a public official of murder or other atrocities, because to do so would be disloyal to their country, and because public officials make less money than private employees.

    8. A fiscal conservative is still a liberal if they do not believe in God, therefore a theist who believes in extorting tax dollars at gunpoint is a conservative.

    9. The impending completion of Lunsford's twenty-six year graphic novel project triggered a natural disaster that killed thousands of people, therefore keeping the storyline in print is absolutely necessary to fulfilling God's will.

    10. The Dead Sea Scrolls contain a word-perfect copy of the Old Testament in its entirety, therefore the other texts bundled with it are of negligible value, and the 1591 King James Bible is the inerrant Word of God even though different copies of the same text varied due to the nature of printing technology in 1591.

    11. Albert Lunsford is the first person in the history of mankind to have unlocked the true meaning of the Old Testament, the New Testament and the Koran, and therefore he is not a Prophet.

    12. RFC #289/290 represents a Unified Field Theory of physics which is not only coherent, but correct, all without reference to mathematics. This theory is not given the credit it is due because comic book fans are afraid to admit that Albert Lunsford is right about everything on this list.

    13. RFC itself is not given the credit it is due in the comics industry because comic book fans are afraid to admit that Albert Lunsford is right about everything on this list.

    14. Failure to agree with anything in the above list is evidence that you are a Marxist/Feminist/Homosexualist, and therefore not Albert Lunsford, and therefore wrong.

    15. Albert Lunsford's new comic book project will fail because his comic book readership is comprised solely of Marxist/Feminist/Homosexualists, therefore it makes perfect sense to dispatch agitators who are known to be hostile to Marxism/Feminism/Homosexualism to the four corners of the Green to promote it.

I had to laugh. These guys really took this stuff seriously.

Our objective was to subtly disrupt Lunsford's operations. The group was extremely high traffic, so the black box only had to be active for a few minutes before our efforts started to bear fruit. I grabbed another fragment to check on our progress.

    > > > --- In albert.lunsford@groups.green, "juan_whatever"

    > > wrote:

    > > >

    > > > Did the text appear kinda messed up on "part two" on other's

    > > > pressure screens -or just mine? YHWH?

    > > > Anyway, this is a pretty big deal as we continue to get insight from

    > > > the ground floor of what will probably become the world's dominant

    > > > religion some time in the future -oh, you know it'll happen:)

    > >

    > >

    > > On Sun, Oct 5, 1968 at 9:48 AM, Sam wrote:

    > >

    > > You might have been kidding about this, juan, but it did occur to

    > > me. Wouldn't put it past YHWH or Satan to make Albert's text harder

    > > to read.

    > >

    > > I had to pull the text into a editor and get rid of all the

    > > superfluous characters that were making the text unreadable. Few

    > > people would probably do that, achieving YHWH's end nicely. She/He/It

    > > would be invested in *not* having people read the Bible, Torah, and

    > > Koran and think about them deeply.

    > >

    > > Not sure if there's an easier way to add the text without all the

    > > extra characters, Klaus, but more people will read the the text if

    > > they don't have to work so hard at it. I can make offline suggestions

    > > on how to do that if it will help.

    > >

    > > Sam Slammerhaus

Perfect. The modules were functioning as designed. Even simply futzing the formatting on a random selection of posts could spin the group into a number of irrelevant side discussions.

Satisfied with our work, I closed up the satchel and we vacated the picnic area. Using a public access point had made our insertion untraceable.

 

"'No end until victory'," Piro said, reciting the old Gender Smurf credo.

"It should be interesting to see how they react to our efforts," I offered.

Piro quietly nursed his beer.

"I just hope these guys don't fly completely off the handle. Their tactics are entirely unpredictable."

"Truth," I said.

We fell into silence for a few moments, each of us contemplating the notion of blue-skinned rioters storming the public schools, spearing their way into the girl's restrooms.

"I have to admit I find their sexual practices disgusting," Piro said at last.

"Hey, you'll get no argument from me. But so long as they remain in their hovels they're not doing anything illegal."

"The whole reason we're involved with this mess is precisely because they do sometimes leave their hovels."

It usually went this way. I set them up and my partner knocked them down. Point to Piro.

"I suppose there is a fear that their culture will spread, put down roots in the urban centers. No one cares about a local cult. But now they're making inroads into the national media."

"I'll say it again: disgusting," Piro repeated.

A Gender Smurf entered the room and made a beeline for the bar. He sat himself down on a stool right next to Piro.

"You guys ever thought of going blue?" he asked, casually.

I clutched Piro's shoulder as he started for his sidearm. "Don't you people know Peyo was a Satanist!" he spat out, struggling against my grip.

"We're not interested," I said, intensifying my stare to indicate I would brook no further discussion. We got up to leave.

 

Three hours later Piro was still arguing with Bob, the Gender Smurf.

"What's the big deal? Blue skin is as healthy and safe as bare hands... Tell me, how would 'flesh color' protect that gentleman or anyone else from 'runaway shopping carts"'or any other 'dangers.' Well adjusted blue skin can actually withstand quite hazardous environments... It's amazing how paranoid most people are in North America. You should try going blue outside sometime, it feels great and it's nowhere nearly as dangerous as most people seem to assume. I've been doing it for nearly fifteen years in Canada and my skin is in great shape and I'm healthy as a horse. Open your minds, gentlemen!"

"SPF," said Prio, resigned to his fate as the lone voice of reason in the discussion. I refused to participate.

"This calls for a 2-part argument," Bob said. "1. One more reason I'm really glad I don't live in the U.S. -- I'd really hate for others to be telling me what color I can and can't be when spending my money at their store. So much for 'the land of the free.' The 'No Blues' policy does not have anything to do with health protection or laws. It is a double standard created by corporations to inforce dress codes; designed only to create a business 'image.' Unfortunately, that kind of stupid mentality is getting contagious up in Canada."

When no one objected to his first point, Bob continued.

"2. Again, I don't understand how people think flimsy, flesh colored skin (which seems to be totally okay at most places of business all over) can protect them from all the 'horrible' things they could catch or the hazards on the streets. In fact, some of the shoes people wear (platform shoes, pointy, etc.) pose a greater threat to someone's health than actually walking around outdoors with blue skin! For more information on how going blue is not only okay but also good for you, please surf to: groups.thegreen/albert.lunsford -- A U.S. based organization of people who go blue as a lifestyle choice."

Finally, I had to but in.

"We don't. Spamming. Care."

Piro insisted on paying for Bob's drinks. I told him to take it out of petty cash -- I wasn't going to try and justify this on my expense sheet. He made the necessary adjustments and transmitted payment.

 

"Do you see now why I discourage talking with these people," I asked, punching Piro in the back.

"I'm not sure how to explain my objection to your attitude," Piro said. It's not precisely that you're racist, because these people are not born blue. It's not really intolerance of their religion, because, aside from their blue skin, white hats, and the fact that they have sex with each other while wearing them, these people are not fundamentally different than our own parents."

"Pun intended, I suppose," I quipped.

"I'm just saying, there's no reason not to treat them like human beings."

"Sure there is. It's our job."

 

To be continued...

 

 

creative.commons.attribution-noncommercial-noderivs.3.0

1OCT1993 | INDEX