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metaphorical_cowboy's picture

Officer Clarence,

We’ve been at this a while. You’ll almost catch me and end up reading these letters. No evidence. No witnesses. I hope you’ve been watching the movies I suggest. For character depth sake, I’d like you to know me, but it’s hard to remember a single origin story at a time.

I remember sleeping warm under the constant glow. Living under power lines didn’t help, but the autism treatments reduced my need to sleep. The foster folks left the TV on to drown out the noise. They were raised before TV was “bad” and raised me as it became “good” again. I learned to feel the difference between channel signals. The treatments removed the negative aspects, allowing my brain to multitask. Learning to watch and comprehend multiple movies produces some very acute pattern matching and problems solving skills. Then again, the anti-religion pills freed up a lot of extra processing space.

This visual stimulus is a strange addiction, being both my sleep substitute and prerequisite for abstract thought. You could call it artificial possession. Arrest me, and the mental connections will stop, leaving you with my alter ego, Borderline Vegetable. Maybe I’m wrong and there’s a TV in my cell. Then again, I’m a special class of criminal. I’m thinking of an ultrasound buzzer to simulate my brain enough to keeping “me” there, but I think it's a field thing.

We’ve actually met before. I’m no master of disguise, but knowing which movements to consciously unconsciously do to produce certain responses goes a long way. You picked up my glasses and handed them to me, asking if I could see fine. I said human eyes only see ten-percent of the spectra; at best, I’m blind to ninety-percent of everything around me. So I said I could never say that my vision is fine. You walked away. Make up was involved, but that’s to keep me looking my age and pigmentation. Prematurely aging albinos stick out.

Honestly, it’s all in the twitches. Learn to do that with the right amount of subtlety and everyone thinks your emotions are sincere. I’ve been playing my parents’ characters for some time with little trouble. There was an unfortunate incident involving a Casablanca quote.

Don’t misunderstand me; I am a movie reference. Movies summarize entire realities. They’re mile long conversations of articulated thoughts, injecting you with more experiences than you could ever live. Referencing makes complete sense and is exacerbated by cut and paste culture. My victims’ considerable knowledge was used incorrectly, making for useless padawans. There was nothing I could do.

You may be unamused to know the charges most likely to stick to me are for downloads. I’m looking at hundreds of lifetimes in prison time with billions of dollars in fines. I’ll let you do the math of four movies at a time for roughly twenty hours a day for nearly two decades. It hardly matters that the entertainment industry’s estimates of damage were proven false. Even if my entire collection were legal, there’s a thousand dollar fine for watching movies unauthorized for a particular platform. As pirates also buy the most movies, arresting your best customers seems flawed to me.

Under different circumstances, I could have called you friend. I’ve seen things most directors haven’t dreamed of. Space ships with visible strings still attached symbolizing futurism’s crux as yesterday’s tomorrow. I watched cinematic shells devoid of plot project my future memories. All these moments will be saved in my basement. If you catch me, they’re yours. My collection may not compare to the internet, but few store chains approach.

I’m practically a super hero with all the antihero attributes that are now affiliated with costumed crusaders. I’m just a little different. Others put on a costume to become their super aliases. I put on face paint to look like humanity and mentally degrade. Life imitates art, with movies being collections of art. The question you have to ask yourself is whether you’re feeling lucking. Will this movie have a Hollywood finish or an independent ending?

Buddy Durden

Officer Clarence’s Note: “Buddy Durden” was found and killed by Officer Joseph Norman, ironically, his long lost brother. The target, George Lucas III, was to be killed prior to leaving the convention to begin filming his star wars-Indiana Jones crossover trilogy. It seems an apprentice killed Lucas and is likely the same killer referring to himself as K. As soon as the victims turned out be self-proclaimed manga/anime experts, I had Officer Norman detained, but was forced to release him as the murders continued in his absence. I suspect he’s involved and a second K exists. However, because of Officer Norman’s detective skills, he’s been assigned to the team tasked with pursuing K.

Gus Savoie's picture

Ooh, I likes this

Creepy, twisted, slightly confusing (which adds to the effect = good). The George Lucas III parts had me chuckling. Fanboydom comes home to roost.