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Racism FTW

PROBABLY UNNECESSARY DISCLAIMER: This is satire. I am not a racist. But if you are easily offended by the use of ridiculous stereotypes regardless of context, you'd better not read any further.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - OFFICE

The man, MR UNRACIST, is waiting for the man whose office this is.

Finally, a white business man wearing makeup to make him appear vaguely asian emerges from
the door and approaches him.

SARALYMAN
(enthusiastically)
Ah! HERRO!

MR UNRACIST
What?

SARALYMAN
Herro, I... I have
(spreading arms and scrunching up his face)
GULATE!! plopisition fol you!

MR UNRACIST
What?

SARALYMAN approaches MR UNRACIST and gestures for him to come closer so he can whisper
something in his ear, whilst making a funny tiny-lipped expression. MR UNRACIST does so.

SARALYMAN
(whispers something)

MR UNRACIST
What?

SARALYMAN
(backing up a bit, very enthusiastic)
I EAT YOLL FACE!

MR UNRACIST slowly develops a look of abject horror and confusion.

MR UNRACIST
YOU WHAT!?

SARALYMAN
(leaning close again, putting a hand to his mouth as
if to whisper)
I eat yoll face.

The guy looks at SARALYMAN, nearly as disturbed as you or I would be. SARALYMAN notices this,
and nods, as if to say "That's right, I'ma eat your face. But only yours, because we are
partners you and I, and I would never betray that special bond."

MR UNRACIST
I... You... No, you can't.. What? No!

SARALYMAN ponders this.

SARALYMAN
You diswespect my anestolls?

MR UNRACIST is taken aback.

MR UNRACIST
Um... I'm sure your ancestors-

SARALYMAN
You rike eat my face?

MR UNRACIST
No!

SARALYMAN
Face velly good with M.S.G., sake.
(rubbing his belly)
Good with cat! Yum yum!

MR UNRACIST
(speaking loudly and slowly)
I... Don't... Want... To... Eat... Your... Face! I... Don't...
Want... You... To... Eat... My... Face!

SARALYMAN
Many yeals ago, in home, China, glandfather was samulai. He teach
me alt of face-eat! Now I teach... To you.

MR UNRACIST
Look, they didn't even have samurai in China!

SARALYMAN
Taiwan?

MR UNRACIST
JAPAN!

SARALYMAN
Japan then. Not impoltant.

There is a knock on the door. MR UNRACIST and SARALYMAN look at the door as it opens. An
Asian-American man comes in.

ASIAN GUY
Sorry I'm late, I-

He notices SARALYMAN, who hops back, eyes wide with fear. Wait a beat. Then SARALYMAN runs
out of the door in absolute terror, slamming it behind him as he leaves. The ASIAN GUY looks at the door in disbelief. Wait a few beats before ending scene.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 2.5 License.